*First of all, to those who blog with Blogspot – I am unable to leave any comments on your sites 
– not sure why – but it’s been happening for a week, – just know that I am still reading and love all you have to say or show 
)
I normally don’t read these types of things when they are passed onto me…but I think sometimes it’s okay to have a little faith and believe in the words that follow…:
1. Life isn,t fair, but its still good.
2. Life is to short to waste time hating anyone.
3. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will… stay in touch.
4. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
5. It’s ok to get angry with God. He can take it.
6. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
7. Make peace with your past so it won,t screw up the present.
8. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
9. If a relationship has to be a secret , you shouldn’t be in it….
10. Take a deep breath. It calms the the mind.
11. Gid rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
12.When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
13. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
14. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
15. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
16. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
17. Frame every so called disaster with these words -” in five years, will this matter?”
18. Always chose life.
19. Forgive everyone for everything.
20. What other people think of you is none of your business,
21. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
22. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
23. Don,t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
24. Believe in miracles.
25. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
26. Growing old beats the alternative– dying young.
27. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
28. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
29. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
30. The best is yet to come.
Peace.
…And Neer A Drop To Drink.
You’ve probably heard that quote before, no? Or was it only my Father who said it, sometimes sang it, all the time?
It implies that we can have so much around us, so much choice, and yet have nothing, or we can’t indeed have what is around us (i.e if you are in a boat with a body of water surrounding you – but it’s salt water :0 – …not exactly thirst-quenching!) .
Nevertheless! I’m not writing about water here , or anything too serious at all actually!
(No, this picture has nothing to do with this post…but it makes me feel happy…and I’m trying to incorporate the little “positives” into my day . Lame? Yes. I am aware!)
I was thinking about Choice and how there seems to be an inordinate amount of it today, from food, technology, books, etc.
This became glaringly apparent during a recent rendez-vous at the bookstore. It seemed everywhere I looked there was a new “It” book – tables devoted to books all about “changing your life”, “finding inspiration”, “positive thinking”…self-help/psychology types. Titles included: The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse, The Happiness Project, How To Save Your Life, Add More Ing To Your Life…
And, then, there are the never-ending infamous “diet-tribes” – the latest and ‘greatest’ – seriously, I think these are being published by the week!
Skinny Bitch, The Kind Diet, Hungry Girl 200 Under 200, The Eat-Clean Diet, Mark Bittman’s Food Matters, The Raw Food Cleanse, French Women Don’t Get Fat…!
Gah! Talk about Clutter!! It did get me thinking though…how does one actually decide what to choose with so many possibilities? Is there certain criteria? A word, theme or author that they look for? Perhaps they go solely by the cover’s appearance or the promise of something quick and life-changing!
How about You??
How would you make your choice in such a ’big body of water’, so to speak?
And, also, have you recently read a book or been meaning to read one that has made a ‘difference’ in your life? Something either inspirational, life-changing, or perhaps (small) life-changing…that may have changed/influenced your habits? (either in the past or present).
Note: This could be anything from relationships, to food, to diet, to spirituality, to exercise, to health, well-being, etc.
Would love to hear from you! I truly appreciate each and every comment – I don’t have the time to write or comment as I wish I did…but, natch, whatever whatever
Peace.
I debated taking down the previous post. I feel it is being too negative. And someone commented about being “selfish”…that’s kind of what I was saying in my post though – that I should accept and stop being selfish to expect more. I don’t want to appear like that, and it only makes me feel worse about myself…I do give back – I try – it is part of my everyday job. I am not perfect, not even 1%, but changes don’t happen overnight.
So, with that, I’ll try to round off a Gratitude list that I haven’t done in a while:
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I’m grateful for The Golden Girls – and their conversations over a cheesecake 3 a.m in the morning in their robes;
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I’m grateful for light-hearted, funny, comedic books – enough of the heaviness already;
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I’m grateful that I’m going to be whatever and just go to a movie tommorow, and maybe the next, whatever’s playing…Dear John, It’s Complicated, Up in the Air….whatever;
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I’m grateful for pizza – even though I eat too much and worry/obsess over how I eat compared to others – or how I’ll feel after (and inevitably do)…I’m honestly not prepared to deal with that right now;
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I’m grateful for Oprah for having a stellar season so far it seems, not too heavy-handed with deep emotional or disturbing stories (and for her body image).
That’s about it…I am “pretending” to be right now – to downplay the heavy clouds – but I have decided to just write more positive posts from now on. Dark, heavy, depressing posts are just that – depressing, self-absorbent, and exhausting…even if I don’t feel happy, often, that doesn’t mean I have to project it. Noone wants to read that crap, and it seriously isn’t doing me any favors.
So comedy, lightness it is.
I wrote the following a day ago – on paper – the “old-fashioned” way when I felt all-consumed with thoughts and the need to “get it out”. So now, a day later, it seems different, I feel differently about it…I wasn’t going to post it, but then I considered that essentially everyday is different and feelings change. Why is it that am I so afraid to accept that?
“I had started to see a glimmer of light, a ray perhaps; an understanding, almost, of what all this “being” is meant to be about. It felt like the clouds were starting to part on a gray day.
Maybe, have I?, been foolish all along? Maybe all that I need is already here. Maybe it isn’t me, but my alter-ego that has been causing all of these selfish thoughts and fantasies…this incessant need to want and have more in life to be happy.
Maybe the answer to happiness lies in telling it to shut-up already. Before it’s too late. I almost fear that I am too late. Panic. Has my desire to want, rumination, dreams, yearning for something more eluded me for too long?? What has it already cost me? Nearly my job, my circumstances.
Because it is no dream, it is reality. And, it could be worse – given the economy, given world crises, given other jobs out there that are indeed far worse. Maybe my dreams of more or ‘better’ reflect the renowned “the grass is always greener” concept. Nothing is perfect. Why do I expect it to be? We all deal with stress, and most of us are clock-watchers at work…just getting through the day – for a dollar. “The grass is always greener” thinking could prove to be disastrous in the end…
I already am filled with so much regret. Can I take more?
Although – to be fair, I do know and question that there is obviously some lack in my life. Some unsettlement. Lack of stimulation. Resistance to what is. It comes in waves, subtle and powerful. I could do more. But, again, why do I – or society even! - feel this way. This doesn’t reflect the abilty to just Be where you are with what you have.
Does life have to be constantly “chased after“? I don’t really know anymore…
I think acceptance scares me because then I’m left with having to face my feelings. If I can’t, or need not, change the situation, then I’m just left with me. I have to face my feelings, my fears, my weaknesses - to confront who I am and all its faults.
I’m afraid of the feeling of emptiness.
Perhaps why I stuff it down with this need for more…or stuff it down with food every night to the point of hating myself with a passion.
Acceptance and positivity would lend me to simply having to deal with my everyday feelings, all the highs and lows of life, the mundane, the horrible, the potentially ecstatic even, the possibility of being okay followed by not…
The fear of failure.
The fear that I won’t like me, that others won’t. Rejection. The fear of failing at my job, failing at being fun with friends, failing at being alone.
The ability to be alone with just myself and my thoughts. Would I stuff them down again with food? Avoid them? How do I get rid of the fear, the anxiety? How can I deal with indeed doing this – but being able to accept it and allow kindness versus anger and hatred toward myself…punishment.
Has the search for something else simply been a distraction to deny these feelings. To take them, beat them down, push them away? Because, in truth, they bring up too much pain, fear, regret, anger…disgust.
There, I’ve said it.
Now what?
And, then, I am reminded of a quote:
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve always imagined.”
So perhaps it really isn’t wrong to want more in life, to strive, to seek change and happiness and accept the inevitable risk and pain that may follow, despite your current situation…
Is it???
Healthy Eating with Kelly Cookbook
Yay!!!
It was the cookbook I won in a contest a few weeks ago from (my seemingly long-lost BFF) Kelly @ My Healthy Passion.
I had no idea Kelly had even written or published a cookbook – so I was extremely excited and happy to participate – let alone win!
To provide a little background on the fabulous Author, Kelly has her personal training license from The American Fitness Training of Athletics (AFTA), and is a certified Nutrition Manager from The American Academy of Sports Dieticians and Nutritionists (AASDN). She writes in the book’s introduction:
“My passion is to show people that healthy living can be a lifestyle that is obtainable and not a sacrifice…eating healthy is easy, fun, and, best of all, it can taste REALLY good!”
True story Kelly!
Her cookbook (now mine! hah) includes: Appetizers, Salads, Vegetables and Side Dishes, Main Dishes, Meatless Dishes, Breads and Muffins and Desserts.
What I really like about it is that it contains a nutritional breakdown of each recipe listed, substitiutions for ingredients (i.e what can you use if you don’t have butter or chocolate squares in the pantry?), equivalents (i.e how many ounces of cheese = a cup), a description of various herbs (nice!), and a glossary of common cooking terms (now I finally know what “braise” means haha!).
As well, for those who are perhaps “going green” or looking to save money, there are some great “recipes” for common household cleaning subsitutions listed at the end of the book, from cleaning your countertops to your oven or sinks!
I love this Kelly!
Thus far, I have my eye on a Chicken Enchilada Casserole, Black Bean Burgers, Peanut Butter and Jelly Muffins and Pumpkin Raisin Cookies…:)…and those are just the beginning!
LOVE IT!!!
HUGE THANKS TO KELLY!! Please check out her Blog if your interested in her cookbook or just reading her good vibes 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And now, as an aside, a few questions pour vous:
1) Do you enjoy cookbooks? What is/are your favorite(s)?? ;
2) What usually “sells you” on a cookbook? (Recipes, Presentation, Nutrition, popularity,etc.);
3) (and – this has nothing to do with cookbooks – hah – but: Any recommendations on a good writing Laptop – portable, economical, efficient, lovely! ??? (and how long do laptops usually “last” for???…)
Peace & Love To You All
(P.S – To those on Blogspot – I can’t comment at all – it hasn’t let me the last few days…:( )
Who determines where your priorities lie in life?
I recently read a thought-provoking post by RunningFiance about finding Balance in life. In today’s world, we are consumed with many tipping factors in the process of achieving an appropriate balance. Such factors include work, “extra-curricular courses or activities” (work or school-related), everyday house-hold tasks and errands (buying groceries, paying bills, making/attending appointments, cleaning!), and, of course, let’s not under-mine or forget about the importance of socializing and connecting with friends as well.
Unfortunately, the quest for balance often coincides with STRESS. “How will I get this done?” or “What should I focus on/do first?”. I know personally that I experience feelings of frustration, anger, defeat even, when certain tasks aren’t completed, neglected or done perfectly.
I think this is a significant, and obvious reason that I have been delaying, afraid to pursue, the writing process or being “true to myself” in doing what I want to do or pursue in life. I have conflicting feelings about writing or reading for instance because I feel that I must try to focus on work more and stop being “fantasy-tical “, or simply accept my reality (it could be worse, right?) Perhaps, I should be doing something productive and more important – like de-cluttering or “studying” for my outside course/putting my focus and energy on just that versus throwing in other factors such as writing, etc.
But then I re-called something I read once – I believe it was from a book I was browsing at Chapters in the Psychology/Self-Help/Well-Being etc. section (I really must look for that again – would be like a “needle in a haystack” though I’m sure!) Anyhow, it was about a woman who became a stay at home mom, quit her job to pursue writing a novel (her husband supported them in the meanwhile…-not my situation!), but found she was actually getting NO writing done or anything related to that work/passion accomplished.
Why? It was mostly a result of guilt and a belief in that her priorities should be on other “important” tasks – getting up and doing all the chores, taking care of the kids, running errands, preparing dinner, yada yada yada (thank you George Constanza ). Hence, by the time she did this stuff she would had no written work done, let alone any thought processes or a trash can filled with balled-up sheets of paper (you have to start from somewhere, no?).
Yeah, she would always think of something else she should be doing or should get done – that was more important or significant in life.
What to do, how to deal with this type of relatable scenario?
The Author guided her by suggestingthat she should simply just start writing right from the get-go in the morning or block out that time for it. She countered that the house would be a mess, tasks not done, she would be “wasting time”. But really – it’s HER life and HER priorities – she SHOULD put herself first. Who’s to say that her writing wasn’t important. Life isn’t just about tasks and such.
Others might think she is not being practical. But who is to say where or what our priorities are? Who is to say what is or isn’t important or what is a “waste of time”?
How about you runners? And I know there are many of you – MarathonM, Kelly, Christina…I won’t list you all!! Consider how much time you spend training or preparing for a race, perhaps a half-or full-marathon. This requires a time commitment and dedication – sunday morning’s gone!…and then, possibly tired the rest of the day …is this time wasted?! Well, I’m guessing, no, because it is a priority in your life.
Similarly, someone who chooses to spend the afternoon at a bookstore or reading – is that time wasted? Well…again…who is anyone to say that it is? Only you can make yourself feel that you are “wasting time”. Because – really – what else is there? You have to do work? Should be cleaning? Should be determining a set path in life and figuring yourself out??!!
No. It’s okay to just Be. To be okay with just being.
Of course – that doesn’t mean that you neglect these other things and life!! That would actually backfire and make you feel less productive, “sloth-ful” after a while or spinning your mind in circles.
No, rather, it’s a shift in focus and priorities. Allocating more of your time to something new or that you enjoy and “down-sizing” the other stuff to doing what needs to be done or at more ideal times can help with that. Whether it’s washing the dishes in the evening instead of the morning or planning to write/blog once every few days…natch, make your own plan and decisions on how you can acheive balance. And, don’t expect it to happen overnight!! Tackle it alittle at a time. Small changes. Maybe recognize what works and what doesn’t and try it a different way. It’s never wrong. You won’t know until you try.
Thoughts, opinions? Do you prioritize what you want in life?
Do you put too much emphasis “on the other stuff”? Or avoid/neglect doing something because you worry that it’s not important and it’s just a waste of time (that’s me raising my hand emphatically here!) ?
Love to hear from you.
Peace.
(P.S – Check out FoodMakesFuelFun’s Blog for a giveaway!)
Did you watch The Grammy’s last evening? I am currently (half) paying attention to it here, so it ain’t over yet.
Nevertheless, I just witnessed Taylor Swift win another award to add to her amazing career thus far (not sure what it was for though!). She gave a (surprisingly) rather nice acceptance “thank you” (I prefer to use a “thank-you” versus speech) in which she recalled being back in grade-school and kids saying “imagine if you were made it to the Grammys one day”…and here she was!
Taylor Swift
She is only 20 years young! Normally, I’d be jealous…so, I was surprised when I actually felt rather happy for her (not that she cares or knows of course :) ). I don’t know. I just kind of thought “Wow, what an achievement and what an amazing life she is living”. Lucky, blessed gal at this time in her life – on a high wave from a successful well-deserved career roll, a strong prescence in the music industry, and a movie coming out Valentine’s Day with like – oh say, some pretty big names in Hollywood (Julia Roberts, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Taylor Lautner among them!).
By the way, I am actually not a huge, die-hard fan or anything – don’t own her albums or anything nor do I care for all of her songs, or country-type style. I also used to think that she wore alittle tooooo much make-up at times – cat eyes’??! But whatever, to each his own, and she’s still beautiful of course …and she does wear underwear and hasn’t been in Rehab yet…so that probably counts for something.
Nevertheless, I did find it kind of shocking though when this thought entered my head immediately – how long will it last? And what will happen to bring all this to a close?
I know. Negative right?!! But, I really didn’t mean it like that – in such a negative fashion! No, and nor was I thinking specifically of her – rather more-so in general.
The highs and the lows. The ups and the downs.
What really struck me though is that I hope she is prepared to deal with the downs, and recognizes the blessings in life right now. And, I am not saying this in a jealous manner – if that’s how it comes across. Not at all!! (Hey, I never dreamed of going to the Grammys haha ). Rather, I think I’m just reflecting on the fact that we should all be extremely grateful for what we have in life.
Take a moment to reflect on good blessing or one good thing. Or strive to find something beautiful or thank-ful for tommorow.
It isn’t always easy, but even the littlest things can make a difference. Even though you may not feel they are important, just acknowledge it and accept it – something!
Right now, I’m just thank-ful that I even have a have a TV (albeit a small one – no HD, or flatscreen here – sorry SuperBowl folks!) to even be able to watch the Grammy’s…and to see/judge all those outifts :0
How about you? What small thing can you find Gratitude in today?
And, just for fun, if you did watch the Awards show, who did you think was best/worst dressed? Or gave best/worst performances?
I haven’t seen enough (like I said – it’s kind of half-on in the background, and not paying alot of attention here! – but I was kind of dissapointed with Beyonce’s – she mixed in a little of Alanis Morrisette’s “You Oughta Know”, and I think that’s just Alanis’ domain … but maybe that’s because I’m a fellow Canadian). And, Beyonce was still good of course! Remember, I want to be positive and not negative
Thank-you.
To say what your comments have meant to me the past day or so would be not enough to validate it.
I am going to try to not put pressure on myself, or expectations, and just write less, or with no pressure or expectations.
To just Be.
I felt the following would be fitting to write about at this time.
I am learning that in yoga, as with life, we are presented with a number of obstacles that we must endure and deal with it on our path to “enlightenment”.
The most common obstacles we often experience include the following: illness, mental “laziness”/stagnation, doubts, fatigue, sloth, illusions about one’s true state of mind, lack of perseverance/enthusiasm (desire)…..I’m sure you have a few you could add .
What are the implications of some of these life interruptions?
If we are sick, perhaps we should not practice; rather, we should rest and take care of our bodies until we are strong again.
How about “mental laziness” or stagnation? Simply put, often we cannot force ourselves out of this feeling. In fact, it is usually when we have have enough of the ‘pain’, hit ‘rock-bottom’ again per se, that we start to climb back out of the depths of this feeling and associated behavior. Remember, we often act in cycles. Up and down…what is happening one day or month or year will change again in the future.
A significant factor I wish to reflect on is that of doubt. Right now, I am raising my hand, waving it emphatically – yep, that’s me. Filled with doubt often – over, well, everything? Doubtful if I am doing the right thing with yoga, what my intentions are, doubtful about work, about “chasing dreams”, doubtfull about writing and blogging…however, remember doubts are often “illusions”. Such illusions are often not reality.
Even more pronounced in my life is the ever-dominant Lack of concentration/”unsteadiness” obstacle. As with the other obstacles, this “wandering mind” creates despair, furthers negative thinking, and an inability to be at ease. When we don’t acheive what we want in life, or in one hour or a day, we start to experience the afore-mentioned doubts.
“Can I do this?”, “Why am I doing this?”, “I have to get this project done”, “I have too much to do”, “Not enough time”…”I have to get this project done!”…and, yet, the project is not done – due to the “wandering mind” and inability to focus.
One way to deal with the wandering mind is, of course, to “keep your eye on the ball” – return to your original goals and why you started a certain task or job. Why did you start a yoga practice? Or a project? Writing, training for a marathon, school program…? How many times have you had this inability to get something accomplished and keep delaying it? ?
By returning to your goals, you can re-focus and re-analyze your purpose. If your not happy, then change your practice.
The most important piece of advice/knowledge I have been given about these obstacles that I wish to share with all of you?
THESE OBSTACLES, FEELINGS AND BEHAVIORS ARE ALL NORMAL!!!
Take that statement, write it on a sticky-note, and put it all over your house! You are NOT the only one who experiences these feelings in life!
So don’t be so hard on yourself.
When these feelings and behaviors arise, we tend to continue in the same cycle as we get down on ourselves, ruminate, become angry and upset over our actions, or our failure to produce any actions or results.
However, just recognize that they are obstacles you are experiencing. That doesn’t mean they will dissapear of course! Nor does it mean that if they don’t dissapear, that you have failed! If you still don’t get to bed early every night, or eat what you should have ate, or turned the TV off and started studying for that test you know you should be studying for…don’t be even harder on yourself! Rather, start small, recognize it, acknowledge, and take small steps. 10 minutes here or there. A paragraph written. Set the alarm 5 minutes earlier. Whatever it takes…
What is important is to ”experience” the doubt and anger versus “being” it. Don’t beat yourself up over it anymore and continue the cycle.
The doubts, and “lack of energy” or desire, will lessen with time…it may be slow progress, but it will happen.
A good analogy to life relates to two pictures: one of a flat line, and the other that goes up and down. The even line is consistent, but it also represents flat-lining as in the hospital – not a good thing!!
In reality, life is full up of normal ups and downs – they are signs that you are on the path of LIFE! Remember - NORMAL.
Life is a Wave.
An endless cycle. Doubts will appear, and appear all too-real, and, sure, you will believe them…and start to judge it, yourself or others…but “our perceptions are not our realities”.
Breathe, Relax, “Feel It”….and, above all, Allow It.
It too shall pass.
Peace and Love.
Sorry, long title, and not particularly creative, but it’s my Blog, and I’m tired of aiming for “the right written word”. Just write EML…just write.
First the “Comfort Hangover”:
This was the “mad” comfort:
Vegetable Lasagna
Blurry shot...the steam (hot food!) kept clouding up the camera lens!)
Carrot Cake...that was just "the beginning"
Yes - there is cake under all that...
It was all ate in a stress-induced frenzy…probably the better enjoyed had I not been eating another meal while waiting for this one …yeah, another one of “those days”, which seems to be happening with more intensity lately…and with conflicted feelings and anger…but my goodness. What can I say that the above photogs can’t?
Now for the Second part of the title: ”To Leave or not to Leave“…
When I first started writing here about 3 months ago now (I think?), I wrote about how I was excited to start, and to write, and to simply express myself.
I also wrote about “negative” people in life, and how I have such people – one in particular – who compares herself to me and to everyone, has a blog of her own (that I don’t go to!), and yet “harrasess” me, “stalks my Blog”? (yeah, I think I can say that), and continues to email me despite having blocked her various email names. She continues to intrude on my life, my thoughts and feeling, telling me “I should be grateful for what I have” or what she supposedly lacks, cannot do, does not have…etc, etc.
It is an exhausting, mind-numbing/boggling, anger-inducing, frustrating and completely, utterley hopeless situation that continues to happen.
To the point that I fear or worry about how I word things or what I write about or how it will be perceived – to even commenting on other blogs…I am fighting a losing battle.
It has been suggested to me that I should stop blogging then, take myself out of this environment to escape this terrible situation.
And maybe I should.
It just makes me…I don’t know…angry and, yeah angry, I guess, that I can’t express myself or be my true self or simply WRITE because again of the limitations imposed on me by someone else.
Once again, I am held back or unable to be truthful to myself. Why are we so afraid of just being who we are in life?? Why are we so afraid of expressing our thoughts, fears and insecurities? Or if they’ll be taken the wrong way?
Surely what I write on here is only a glimpse into my real life!! And the way something is read or “taken to meant” is not always perceived the right way!
“Our perceptions are not our realities”.
So, yes there’s that, which I won’t delve into any further right now.
I also worry that perhaps I do put too much pressure on myself with it, and that it does consume my “free” time to be able to study, work, focus on my work, go out and live life, enjoy life!!
Remember – no attachments!
Because it’s the living and experiencing that are important!
But I guess the root of why I started this was to simply write and get my thoughts down…a form of writing that could lead somewhere.
Perhaps I’m wrong.
Maybe I’m using my energies in the wrong place then.
So, with that, I can either stop and leave…or I could “smarten up” and not worry about who’s reading, who’s commenting, negatives or positives, or pressure to blog everyday or every 2nd day even…
Rather just Keep It Simple Stupid, in other words, release its captivation – and simply write sporadically – short posts if I want, doesn’t have to be perfect, don’t write for days, comment when you feel like, write maybe a couple of times a week – when and if you have time.
What’s so wrong with that right?
Perhaps you’ll still read. And, perhaps you won’t.
But maybe you’ll still read my books one day if and when I publish them. Maybe…
Or maybe more breaks or a little time is always good for a “re-evaluation” of this and myself. I don’t have to say everything – I can journal that on paper myself too. Take the time and read more and go out and watch movies and just BE.
Maybe this can be an unhealthy environment. It OBVIOUSLY is with the harrassing “stalker” emailer I have – who is particularly pulled into comparisons and judgements regarding life, food and exercise. Rumination, second-guessing, unhealthy patterns…not good.
Maybe I’ll do simple reviews.
Oh who knows. Okay enough time wasted.
Also, with regards to yesterday’s post – just ONE word can express it : WOW.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Your comments, thoughts, feedback…your positive affirmation and support towards me and my writing and thoughts were overwhelming…
They were hopeful and made me feel like maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t give up on my dreams…and I’m okay just how I am…
PEACE AND LOVE.
First of all, I just really want to thank each and everyone of you that read my words or care to comment on by blog…it really means a lot to me and warms me in a way you’ll never know (…oh, and to those who have Blogspot…I can’t make comments for some reason..it never goes through – but I’m still reading ).
And, now, back to the post…
While working today, I was thinking about how I am not (entirely) happy or content in my job, but fear the whole “the grass is always greener” scenario. I know I am “lucky” or blessed to have a job, and that, in reality, it isn’t as bad as what I make it out to be…“our perceptions are often not reality”, right? Of course. I often over-exaggerate or get too down on myself – and, it’s probably more a lack of stimulaton or creativity there…or fear even that I’m not good enough…perhaps just pure restlessness and agitation on my part. Of course, these are my issues, and not my “job’s”.
Hence, again I am left to wonder – is this a chicken-or-the-egg situation??
I was thinking about how often we know, are are told perhaps, that we should be grateful for what we have. And I AM! Indeed. I am extremely grateful everyday to have the (little) or the (right) amount that I need in life. In times when so many people do without, suffer from “real or wordly” issues or go without…well, we are all blessed to have the basics and essentials in life. And more. Greed is not a necessity.
However, this knowledge that I am indeed grateful tends to make me feel like – “what must be wrong with me then?!”, “Why can’t I just relax and let go and just live the life I have…really it is all in my mind in many ways…”. But what happens if it still isn’t enough for me, or not what I love or even just really like. Am I expecting too much? Will I regret it one day and wish that I could have just lived with what I have now? What if anything else is wrong or a mistake or “an illusion”??
And, then, the Aha Moment – and yes, I am fully aware that this is lame and not probably not classified as ”aha-ness!” for you – but, it occured to me that being grateful for something or appreciative of what you have does not also have to mean that you MUST then love it. Nor does it mean you should “settle” for it or simply accept it – because wishing or wanting anything else might be selfish or silly or a prove to be a mistake.
Yeah, I’m aware that may be a simple and obvious concept. But it wasn’t, and isn’t, to me really.
I feel conflicted most days that I must accept my current life situation because it’s really not that bad! Some days not so bad at all. Some moments maybe I should say . Yeah, compared to what it could be (worse!) I am “lucky” as “it could always be worse” or, the ever classic ”be careful of what you wish for” situation. Even worse, the - ”it’s just you, all in your mind – clean that up and just accept it and live life already; why always looking for something else – you’ll regret it…”.
Yikes. Honestly, I do fear that. That really I just think I want to do something else, or think I might be a good writer…when really it wouldn’t be ideal. Thus, mistakes and regret and fear of failure.
Nevertheless, this realization that it can be both ways – that you can have something that is okay in life, but still want something else is mildly comforting. I can appreciate my job or limitations, my inability to run everyday or eat like a horse (blah ) for simply what it is now at this time – BUT, I can still move forward and search for another purpose. That is okay. It doesn’t make me silly or stupid, a dreamer, or a time-waster….does it??? I don’t know.
Phewf.
I’ve also talked about the whole “suffering” thing lately too, and how it is our reactions to the situaton that cause continuous suffering and stress and rumination, etc.
I have the perfect example from the last few days, while I’ve been trying to prepare for teaching a short yoga sequence to my co-workers for part of the course training. I had hardly any time to practice or put together something and even when I did have time…I was avoiding it or found something else to occupy my time…I hate that I do that by the way – ooooof.
Nevertheless, I am nervous and stressed of doing it in front of co-workers who are experienced in the practice and know way more than I do…what will they think of me? Or, my voice is weird, and Ikeep stumbling, and I’m not expressing it correctly. Or I look horrible. Why did I wear this shirt ? …
I find it interesting that when I did a mock session during the course to the other students with me - well - it went fabulous, and I received some great feedback. And, honestly, I really had no ‘nerves’. I just kind of went with the flow and trusted myself. Had faith in myself.
But now? Well, now I fear judgement and find myself even feeling angry that it’s not “prepared correctly” or what it should be, or I’ll embarrass myself. Or I hardly put any time into it. So, of course I deserve to have it suck then.
But, wait!! What??!! It occured to me “why am I making something, that I supposedly enjoy and want to learn more about or use to simply further my personal growth and no other intent…- why am I making it into something so stressful and so horrible that I want to avoid it, and allowing it to invade my thoughts and cause severe anxiety…”.
Even worse, “why am I allowing it to revert me to a self-conscious, scared, insecure person??”.
I need to let it go and just enjoy it for what it is. Just do it for me.
Take it from a different approach. A learning experience. Laugh at myself. Shrug it off if I haven’t prepared it properly, or if I’ve wasted the time I had to do it. Simply smile if I say the wrong words or screw the whole darned thing up!!
So what?!
Let others judge me if they want. But I refuse to judge myself so harshly. It’s my life, and only I have control over my thoughts or how I think of myself. I will not let others, insecurities, fear and stress determine that for me.
I have no idea how it’ll go still. Oye. And, I still feel like an idiot….but, I’m working on it okay?
How about you? What is something you do/pursue in life that also causes you stress/fear/anxiety/doubt? But that you supposedly “enjoy or want in life”…I’m sure there are lots really – school, work, running, etc.
Peace.
