Please bear with me here…
Hope you’ve had a lovely weekend fellow Bloggers 
It was my 3rd weekend of Yoga Teacher Training (YYT), and it was long and tiring. I feel disconnected from you guys now!
However, this weekend also turned out to be very unexpected and enriching. Once again, just prior to the weekend - I was feeling nervous/anxious and discouraged about doing this and was seriously wondering if I should just ‘get out of it’. I was erratically eating – and then feeling ‘bad’ about it again and very uncomfortable doing postures and having to be mindful when I didn’t want to think about my ‘horrible’ digestion (sorry if too much information). I also had a miserable, short run, and, thus, ended up just going for a short walk each day along with a very brief visit to the gym this a.m for a short cycle. I also just wanted to write, blog, go to a movie, sleep, etc, etc…
But then I knew that while that would be great, it would still get me in the same place I’ve always been. Even if I went out or did something different, it still would leave me seeking something perhaps. Perhaps not. But the least I could do – I can do – is to give myself this chance to figure it out. To follow it through and not give up yet.
We spent a lot of time this weekend on Meditation and Chanting…uh-huh…lots of sitting….for 7 hours straight…and then going home exhausted and eating and sleeping. As an aside – I’ve always found it strange how just sitting and seemingly doing nothing physically active prove to be exhausting…you know, like when you’ve been travelling in car or on a plane for a long time, only to get to your destination and just want a good meal and a bed? Even after essentially doing nothing?
Of course, we weren’t doing nothing. We were still mentally – and physically engaged – in whatever position we were sitting in or doing our short breaks.
I’ve discussed before that I am not a Meditator – nor am I a ‘Chanter’ (if that’s a word). But, no, I decided to have an open mind. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have an open mind and be willing to experience new things without judgement or accept them – or even making them work for you, in your way.
The great thing about Yoga is that there are No Should’s. It doesn’t tell you what to do, how to do it, how you should live your life. No. Yes, there is a “traditional” Yoga lifestyle followed that is often thought/heard/preconceived about.
But, let me tell you a secret…my Yoga Instructor drinks coffee. Another one has Sweets(!) all over her house and adores chocolate. Another one laughs and jokes, can be sarcastic, and swears.
Gasp! Shocker. No, they are all not ‘hippies’ or vegans or perfect. Nor – and this is very important – do they judge.
Don’t judge. Please. That’s as simple as I can say it right now.
Some of you have may have noticed that I haven’t been ‘myself’ lately…more ‘down’, ‘negative’, self-conscious…and questioning myself alot.
Well, I am going to be truthful. I felt and feel judged. I found out that a family member found out about my blog and has had a negative and judgemental, preconceived response.
He’s the person that jumps to conclusions without just taking a step back and looking at the big picture.
For instance, if I post a few pictures of food – well, then he thinks that’s all I must eat that whole day. Um…no??? Hello, these are just a few random pictures to post!! They are not a full or true reflections of what or how much (portions), etc. that I eat.
If I post a picture of tofu – that doesn’t mean I don’t eat chicken or fish 3-4x/ week! If I post a picture of Almond Butter, that doesn’t mean I don’t eat Peanut Butter! If I post a picture of only vegetables - well, that doesn’t mean I’m eating vegetables all day long or a vegetarian. If I post a pint of ice cream with only a few bites gone…uh, that doesn’t mean I didn’t eat the whole damn thing.
It doesn’t mean I don’t feel anxious/guilty about my eating patterns, my confusion, my ‘being lost’ in life.
Same with running. I’ve struggled with running for a long time now. And still am (especially judging by this crap-tacular weekend and sore hips/legs)…I have to be smart and listen to myself and my own body.
I’ve felt ‘afraid’ to say what I do or don’t do now because of this person and their ‘jumping to conclusions’. Just because I’m easing back into running does NOT mean it’s easy for me, does not mean that I may have bad days, and definitely doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle OR that I’m running or over-exercising everyday.
I mean Seriously!!!
But to make it worse – I let it get to me again – I let it give that person power over me. I let that person actually cause me to feel bad about struggling, trying to ’find’ myself, and just being me. Yeah. They gave me feelings of guilt and doubt.
Feelings that I couldn’t be myself or express myself anymore. I even thought I would have to stop blogging again.
And then I thought – NO MORE.
NO MORE will I let this person determine who I am or make stupid assumptions.
That’s their problem. I can’t control their thought patterns, and frankly, I’m tired of trying to have to explain myself. Sorry, but for every carrot I eat, they aren’t seeing the cupcake with frosting that sits next to it…so, please don’t think you know me.
Because I am far from perfect. I am far from having anything in life figured out, and I am far from being balanced in life. Far, far from it.
But I am working on accepting myself and accepting that I am ‘out of sync’ for a while – for a loooong while – and that, yeah, I suck at times, more often than not. And I feel guilty and bad enough about myself.
But most of all, I have the same regrets, guilt and fears that he or many others struggle with. So please don’t put anything on me.
I don’t think any of that makes any sense. But for some reason I had to let it out.
Satya – another Yoga characteristic (Yama) is being truthful, having a commitment to the truth. For the next two weeks, we are to practice truthfulness in some specific and measurable format (remember my Gratitude journal?!).
I haven’t fully decided what this may be yet. But I encourage you all to “Live Your Truth”.
With truth comes freedom, because you have nothing to hide from or nothing to hide.
OF course – there are exceptions …like guys? Y’know – the answer to the old “Does my butt look big in this this?”…yeah…ahem…
Commit to telling the truth when it needs to be told. Similarly, if there is something in the past that you want to get off your chest or express – but if it will produce harm to someone else or bring up negative things – then don’t inflict the other person with it. Rather, write them a letter…and then burn it. Done. Let it go. Remember your problems and feelings aren’t someone elses nor are they that person’s responsibility.
So tonight I’ll leave you with this: Before you speak, ask yourself -
- Is it true?
- Is it necessary?
- Is it an improvement upon silence?
I think we could all do with a little bit of that, no?
And, how was YOUR weekend? Any insights…or good eats?! Haha…I’ve had an abundance of chocolate for one thing…hah – and surprise surprise…
)…I think I’ll use it as Cookie container 
…How was your Sundays?? Mine – mostly sitting on my bum reading/studying. Oh well.
